Your Love Language: How We Feel Loved and How to Love
Love languages…how many of you actually know what this means? In Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages. The Secret to Love That Lasts” he explains how there are 5 love languages in which every person on this planet ‘speaks’ in. Ever since its debut as a New York Times Bestseller; singles & couples have read the book and taken the test to figure out what their love language is and how to put it into use. What the hidden message in this book and what I have learned after talking to hundreds of singles in the past year is that your love language is not only the way you feel loved…. but also, the way you love.
So, what are these 5 love languages? Well, you have words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. So let me tell you how each one of these languages ends up shaping your relationships.
Love language #1: Words of Affirmation.
As humans it is in our nature to feel appreciated. We want to hear when we do a good job, we want to feel valued and appreciated. Words of affirmation is not just a simple “amazing”, “thank you”, or “good job”. When your primary love language is words of affirmation you place value in every single word that is said to you, and if you are not secure in yourself, the anxiety of “what did they mean by that?” kicks in. You try to read in between the lines and ultimately sabotage the relationship. With this love language you need to hear from your partner how proud they are of you, how much they value and love you, and how much they appreciate you. This reinforces in your subconscious your value in the relationship. At the same time when words of affirmation is your primary love language you have an ease to express your feelings and the love you feel for them. The key to this language is ironically communication. Although you are good with expressing your feelings to show love, you tend to closeup and not express when you are not feeling loved, hence the sabotage. In order for your relationship to be a compatible healthy successful one, you need to learn how to communicate when your requirement or need is not being met. The beauty of this language is that you speak from love, so it comes easy to you.
Love language #2: Quality Time.
How many times have you been called “needy” because you crave time with you partner? Well, yes they are right, this IS a need for you! If quality time is your love language, you value the time you spend with your significant other but spending time together doesn't necessarily mean you are getting your needs met. For you spending time together has to be more than just sitting on a couch together watching TV. It must be something special where you learn things together, where the conversation is exciting, and where the attention is focused on you and your relationship. You are the type of partner that will ‘ditch the friends’ to go spend time with your significant other because this is how you express interest and love. If quality time is a requirement or need for you then it is important that you make a list of the things that you consider “quality time” and communicate those to your partner. This will help clear any future misunderstandings about times spent together and the ‘neediness’ of it.
Love language #3: Receiving Gifts.
Receiving gifts is one of the most misunderstood love languages, and yet one of the kindest ones. People that tend to have receiving gifts as their love language are literally the most giving people, and yet everybody thinks that if they have this love language they are greedy. Sorry to burst your bubble, but actually, receiving gifts goes beyond what it seems, and its mainly because of the way that these people use it to show their love. When was the last time that you received a thoughtful gift? And I don't mean like you got something you wanted, it was a small little gesture, a gift out of nowhere. Gift giving people are this way, they see something that reminds them of you, and they will either buy it in the moment or spend hours making something special for you. The beauty of this love language is that it doesn’t always have to have monetary value. They are the people that usually say “it's the small gestures that makes me feel loved”. This love language is the romantic one, the one that gets extra excited and cant wait to see their partners reaction to their gift, and they experience that exact same excitement and love when they receive something as simple as a flower you picked on your way home.
Love Language #4: Acts of Service.
If your primary love language is receiving gifts, then acts of service might be your secondary love language or vice versa. Having this love language as your primary one doesn't mean that you are needing someone to be at your beck and call. It just simply means that the ordinary little things in everyday life are what makes you feel loved. A surprise homemade dinner from your partner is a good example. I've heard single women say many times “I just want someone to say babe you don't ever have to worry about pumping gas, I’ll take care of that for you.” Or, “I will do the dishes for you tonight, go relax.” Acts of service ties so well with gift giving because they both show love in a way that is visual. This is the type of love language that we get to witness in romance movies. Remember that scene in The Notebook where Noah goes and builds Allie her dream house because he wants to show her how much he still loves her, that is an act of service and gift giving. This love language goes above and beyond to show their love for their partner.
Love Language #5: Physical touch.
And well here we are at the end, the last love language and perhaps the one that makes the most sense, physical touch. If your love language happens to be physical touch you know how important it is that your partner be OK with a little PDA since you can't seem to get enough of them! Physical intimacy is your drug and when this need is met you completely give in and fall in love. But this love language is not just about S-E-X, it goes beyond that. A slight pad on the back, holding their hand, a warm hug from them perhaps might be all you need from them to feel completely validated and loved in the relationship. Cuddling is your middle name and like I mentioned you cannot get enough of them. You feel connected to them in a different way when you hold their hand, when you rest your head on their shoulder. You feel loved or show your love by falling asleep in each other’s arms while you run your fingers thru their hair, etc. Connection is the middle name of this love language.
You will have one primary love language which is the strongest one for you, but this doesn’t mean that this is all you need there are 5 of them, and they need to be in a balance in accordance with your results to help you communicate those requirements and needs that need to be present in a healthy successful relationship.
So now that we have gone thru all 5 love languages, which one do you think is yours? If you want to find out take the test and share your results with me! I would love to help you figure out how to use this in your next relationship or to spice up your current one!
Love & Light
Sarai Tave
Singles & Relationship Coach